|@ this point I was 57% of the way through school almost 10 years ago!!!|
I'm tired of the uncertainty of experimental outcomes. I hate the day in and day out failures as well as the adversity that ultimately accompanies research. There is a personal, emotional and mental cost to living at the cutting edge of discovery. Sure, it is neat when things are going well. But the bad times are dark without direction or hope. Maybe I'm just not built for this job? I loathe coming to this realization when I have about a year to go.
Then what am I destined for? I want my life to mean something to this world. Who doesn't want their corner of the world to be a better place for those who follow? I certainly do. I dream of making an impression on people's lives. I want to be remembered fondly as a loyal friend, an encourager and someone that you can always count on.
I guess the crux of the problem is that I am a planner by nature. I love to dream as well as dot my "i's" and cross my "t's." Why is so hard to let go and trust that all will work out? It has worked out before, it will certainly work out again! Reflecting back on how I got here, it becomes clear how doors opened where they should. I got into graduate school and met Mr. Collier which I don't know how that could have happened otherwise. He has been a true blessing in my life!
I'm always afraid that if I'm not actively searching then I will miss out on one of those doors. Do you share the same fear? God has a plan for me. I know that. I suppose I need to shift my focus on the now.